Jack Handy... 

Seems like a good day to, relax, pause, and reflect.  Nothing like some quotes from Jack Handy to get you in the mood....

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, don't even bother to bend over, because, man, they're gone.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy, pie.....

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."